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The day I took my baby to the doctor & came home with PND

May 24, 2017 3 Comments

Ashleigh from Eskimo Nell Post Natal Depression

That was an interesting day.

I went to the docs to see about a rash that my baby had developed & left with Postnatal Depression. I didn't even see my usual GP, in fact I didn't even really talk about myself, which I guess is how fate works. I asked about something for a friend & the doctor, as they do, asked some subtle questions then BAM! I was sent home with some calamine lotion & a bad case of PND. 

MY STAGES OF PND:

It was weird.  At first I laughed. Then I called my husband & told him what a loon the doc was - I guess you can call that part denial. But, as the week progressed & the diagnosis sunk in I begun to accept that, perhaps, I wasn't actually coping all that well. I mean, I knew things were hard but being a parent is hard, so the low moods, extreme tiredness & the snapping at the kids were really easily justified. 

The next emotion or "stage" I went through was embarrassment. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't cope with life without the aid of medication. I was worried I would be seen as an attention seeker or making it up. I have never judged anyone for having depression or the likes but here I was, judging myself so cruelly. I didn't want this to be the new me & I sure as hell didn't want to become someone who people tiptoed around because I was "unstable".  

Accepting the diagnosis was tough. I didn't want PND to become my new identity & that freaked me the fuck out. Interestingly...accepting it & accepting help has actually given me myself back. It has given me some relief from the guilt that I am not the awful, withdrawn person I was turning into. It has offered me some space from the never-ending negative thoughts that I was worthless & useless and it has given me some hope that the daily grind isn't going to be so grindy anymore.  

PND ISN'T JUST FEELING SAD ALL THE TIME:

The thing with my PND was that it was a really slow burn & I can only assume that it is the same of most people. I didn't wake up one day & feel shit, it happened very casually over a long period of time. I consider myself pretty clued up on the topic & I truly didn't see it coming or even happening, it just quietly snuck in the back door when I wasn't looking. PND isn't just feeling sad all the time. It can present in many different ways & it is different for everyone.  

Here are some of the ways it has presented itself for me:

  • low energy
  • extreme tiredness followed by manic episodes
  • no motivation 
  • unable to carry out everyday tasks 
  • unable to cope with noise or mess
  • hating being alone
  • severe anxiety, usually irrational
  • not wanting to leave the house
  • not wanting to socialise & when I did I would find it totally exhausting, riddled with anxiety before & after, obsessing over every word I said
  • no sense of humour
  • withdrawn
  • mind constantly racing & unable to concentrate 
  • couldn't cope with sudden changes of plans or disruption to my routine
  • no excitement about life or about things that used to excite me greatly
  • totally overwhelmed by life in general

The list goes on but these are the main ones that spring to mind. They seem really fucken obvious written down, I realise this. But, because it happened so slowly & my amazing husband just quietly picked up the pieces it was really hard to recognise.

THE SMALL THINGS STOP BEING SO SMALL AFTER A WHILE:

Speaking of my husband. That poor, marvelous, patient, kind man spent hours at work with me in tears on the other end of the phone because the kids were being dicks, and kids are dicks all the time, but I would just snap because my kids were being noisy & I couldn't concentrate & even the smallest tantrum or disrupt from my kids would totally unravel me. I would literally leave shopping trolleys in the middle of the supermarket, working myself up in a state all the way home, texting my husband all kinds of absurd shit. He would then come home to find me crying, which would last for hours on end, because I couldn't even do the supermarket shopping. I probably should have known that something was up, but honestly, I always just thought "it will get better, it is just another bad day". I guess the thing is, the small things stop being so small after a while.

I went from being a patient, loving, engaged mum to being totally riddled with anxiety, guilt, self loathing & completely unable to parent on my own. I would struggle to get out of bed, I hated people coming over, I rarely left the house & if anything interrupted my schedule I would lose my fucking mind! Mess annoyed me, noise annoyed me, smells annoys me, my husband talking about dinner annoyed me. I should have known better, but, denial is a powerful thing!

Ash from Eskimo Nell with her children Post Natal Depression

{although my kids are the most epic humans, even dealing with everyday things became totally overwhelming for me}

THE DAY THE SHIT HIT THE FAN:

There is one day in particular that stands out as the tipping point for me.  My husband had just got a call saying that he had missed out on the role of a lifetime in Bangkok. I wasn't even that invested in going to Bangkok at this point but the call hit me & it hit me like fucken freight train. I cried for days on end. I wouldn't talk, I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't speak, I wouldn't engage with the kids. I just couldn't cope at all. I literally lay in bed for days on end crying. It was disappointing of course but the level that I was taking it just didn't seem normal for something that was never promised in the first place. That weekend, I drove to get my daughter from Waihi & the entire drive I just kept thinking "what if I drive into the barrier, what would happen?" & the urge to do it was overwhelming. I can't tell you if I would've done it or not but it gave me enough of a fright & wake up call to realise that there was something deeper going on that I couldn't deal with on my own.

From the outside looking in, I am sure it seemed like I had my shit together.  I got pretty good at pulling myself together in front of people & I got really bloody good at rationalising it to myself & others. I don't even know if my husband honestly knew how bad it was. No one did & looking back things were pretty grim but it wasn't until I started taking my meds & got my zing back that I realised just how grim things really were. 

I has been a week now since I started taking my medication & I don't want to get ahead of myself but I feel so much better. I have my spark back. I feel like the old Ash, which I had totally given up on. I thought she had gone forever along with my taut pre-baby body (sadly the pills haven't helped with the body side of things hah!). The guilt, the self doubt, the anxiety & the inability to get up & face another day have all started to lift.  My kids notice it, my husband notices, Marnie notices it but, most importantly I feel it & I couldn't be more stoked. My kids, my husband & my business are my everything so to finally be able to feel the excitement & happiness again is a feeling like no other!!

LET'S NORMALISE THE SHIT OUTTA THIS:

I guess my one piece of advice would be that life is hard but it is still meant to be enjoyable so if life becomes one huge hard, groundhog day then perhaps there is something deeper going on. If you have any concerns about yourself or someone that you know, please, please, pllleeease do not hesitate to reach out to your doctor.  

I really want to start talking the shit out of this subject. It is my hope that we all start to talk about it, talk about it & talk about it some more!!! I feel like people still whisper it to me like somehow saying it out loud may reduce me to tears, "oh, how are you going since... ya know?". Since what? Since I started taking medication & feel like my self again? How fucken radical.

I also think lots of people are also taken aback by how open I am about it but I just want, so much, for women to understand that PND is not something to be afraid of, this is a real problem that happens to real women & it needs to be discussed openly & honestly without judgement. Because, I can tell you first hand, it is that judgement that scared me the most.  Mothers judge themselves brutally enough without throwing this into the mix. 

If you have any questions, at all, sing out. You can reach me at holla@eskimo-nell.com & it is my solemn promise that I will always have an ear to listen.

If this is something you enjoyed, I ask you to please share this blog! The more people that read this the better.  Let's get the conversation started!!  

With love,

Ash

x

Ash from Eskimo Nell Happy Post Natal Depression

{finally feeling better than ever!!}

 

 

 

 

 





3 Responses

Lou
Lou

May 26, 2017

I rate your openness and courage tAlking publicly about this. I got diagnosed 9 months after number one. 2 more followed and it got way worse. 8 years later I’m still on meds. I’ve tried going off them many times but at the end of the day the balance out the anxiety which can be extreme. I’m open about it with people because there is still so much judgement and I’ve lost friends because of it. At the end of the day we’re just trying to do the best for ourselves and our kids. Xxx

Rachel wales
Rachel wales

May 25, 2017

I am not a mother but have alot of friends who are and I will be sharing this beautiful ash!!! You are an amazing strong beautiful lady to share your journey!!!! Thankyou I cried tears for you but then also cried massive happy tears for you !! ✌✌❤?

Amanda
Amanda

May 24, 2017

Love this korero Ash. Bloody legend for sharing xxx

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Size Chart

At Eskimo Nell we understand the disappointment of opening up your much anticipated purchase only to find that it is the complete wrong size so to help you avoid that have a squizz at our size chart.

Our tanks, jumpers and baseball tees run a little on the big size so we do suggest going down a size.  If you are unsure just send us an email - we love to help!

TANKS: These are UNISEX!! So please check the measurements!

XS: Width 45cm x Length 69cm

S: Width 48cm x Length 72cm

M: Width 51cm x Length 75cm

L: Width 54cm x Length 78cm

XL: Width 57cm x Length 81cm

XXL: Width 60cm x Length 84cm

*Width is taken 2.5cm from bottom of armhole 

 

JUMPERS: These are also UNISEX and are quite roomy anyway - please check the measurements!

XS: Width 49cm x Length 71cm

S: Width 52cm x Length 73.5cm

M: Width 55cm x Length 76cm

L: Width 58cm x Length 78.5cm

XL: Width 61cm x Length 81cm

*Width is taken 2.5cm from bottom of armhole 

 

BASEBALL TEE: These are also UNISEX  - please check the measurements!

XS: Width 45.5cm x Length 72cm

S: Width 48.5cm x Length 75cm

M: Width 52.5cm x Length 78cm

L: Width 56.5cm x Length 81cm

XL: Width 60.5cm x Length 84cm

XXL: Width 64.5cm x Length 85cm

*Width is taken 2.5cm from bottom of armhole 

 

ROLL-SLEEVE TEES: This is a WOMEN'S FIT - please check the measurements!

S: Width 44cm x Length 63cm

M: Width 47cm x Length 65cm

L: Width 50cm x Length 67cm

XL: Width 53cm x Length 69cm

*Width is taken 2.5cm from bottom of armhole 

 

KIDS TEES: These are UNISEX sizes - please check the measurements!

2: Width 31cm x Length 42cm

4: Width 34cm x Length 46cm

6: Width 37cm x Length 50cm

8: Width 39.5cm x Length 54cm

10: Width 42cm x Length 58cm

12: Width 44.5cm x Length 62cm

14: Width 47cm x Length 66cm

KIDS JUMPERS: These are UNISEX sizes - please check the measurements!

2: Width 32cm x Length 42cm

4: Width 35cm x Length 46cm

6: Width 38cm x Length 50cm

8: Width 41cm x Length 54cm

10: Width 44cm x Length 58cm

12: Width 47cm x Length 62cm

 

 

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