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Statement Tees for Badass babes and kickass kids

Your baby does this too, right?

May 11, 2017

GUYS, I have had one of those weeks… ya know those weeks where nothing is inherently going awry but shit just feels hard? You know the ones I mean, right? I live in hope that I am not the only one whose baby circles your ankles incessantly like a God damn shark circling its prey, insisting to be picked up which is kinda cute (the first 20 times) albeit annoying.  I'll admit it is kind of nice that she loves me so much…. Just would be nice if for one day she loved me a little bit less & gave fewer fucks about me.  Like, honestly how does she recognise me by my toes?

Arden crying for Mummy

Anyway, after her doing 1km worth of laps around my feet I had the bright idea to wear shoes to trick her but she still managed to single out my shoes (which are new, so how the fuck does she know they are mine!?!?) …. it is so weird.  I am pretty sure my baby is out to Single White Female me. I am not even kidding, she is Grade A obsessed.  My other kids haven’t given two shits about me – outta site outta mind. I used to get kind of offended by it but now I am wondering why the hell I didn’t lap that shit up more often.  The freedom that comes when your kids give zero fucks about you, that shit cannot be bought! If it could be, I would be down at the bank so fast screaming “take my kidney, my soul, my other two kids… I don’t care just give me enough money to buy this kids 5, ok ok 10 less fucks about me”.

I am not that cool, please don't love me so much!

Ok so I know that my kid being a stage 5 clinger isn’t that bad. It isn’t. But here is the problem: it is really quite hard to do shit with one arm all the time.  Like, clean up actual shit. I know. I tried today.  Old mate clinger decided that my day was going way too well for her liking so as we were leaving the house, I quickly changed her nappy & she had a mad rash so being the nice, caring Mum that I am I let her have some nappy free time while I tried to get dressed.  Girlfriend then threw my kindness right back in my face & took a dump.  In the lounge.  Dining.  Kitchen.  All over the couch. Smushed into her books & all through her toy box.  Her hair. My hair. Everywhere!! How is it even possible to excrete that much waste in 3 mintues? There was literally a poo circle around my feet from where she was circling me screaming to be picked up while I stood there screaming back “I cannot pick you up, you are covered in shit.  What do you want from me!?!?!” while simultaneously texting my husband telling him how I need a nanny or a cleaner or a trip to Bali on my own. Preferably all three.

Of course by this time I am running really late for kindy pick up.  I look at Kaka-baby, at myself, then look at the time & decide to fuck the getting dressed buzz, what are some shit stained clothes between one kindy mum & another anyway? You know things are bad when you fly into the kindy carpark like a bat outta hell & my really put together mum friend notices me (I mean of course she does, you just about took down a bunch of 4 year olds when I got air driving into the carpark), sees my defeated face & ask if I am OK.  I smile & laugh like “Hiiiiii babe! OMG yeah, totally fine mate, I have got this. I have totally fucken got this. Never mind the shit storm back at home & the fact that if you come much closer you will smell my kids faeces all over me”.  

Note to self: Cut your losses

I run in to kindy, collect my kid who doesn’t want to leave & refuses to come home with me.  I do one of those half smiles, half “I am not in the mood, do not mess with me right now” looks.  Finally I get to the car & the 3 year old starts gagging because the stench is so bad & it is at this point that I realise I just can’t even cope with life today.  Little did I know that the thrills haven’t ended there…. I get home & the poo has semi-dried into the carpet because I forgot to turn the heat pump off & my house smells like someone has died in a sauna.  More gagging ensues from Mr. 3.   I get the baby into bed, deal with the poonami.  Sweet… bitta quiet time to catch up on some work.  All is forgotten, until the three year old falls off the bench & at this point I just cut my losses, pour a wine & give up on life altogether.

Ash from Eskimo Nell drinking wine in I've Got This tee

AND to think, basically all of this started because my baby loves me so much…. GO FUCKING FIGURE.

Please, please, please tell me that I am not the only one who suffers from clingy-baby-itis? Help me regain some dignity by emailing me at holla@eskimo-nell.com and telling me your "fuck this shit" moments.

Ash

x








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Size Chart

At Eskimo Nell we understand the disappointment of opening up your much anticipated purchase only to find that it is the complete wrong size so to help you avoid that have a squizz at our size chart.

Our tanks, jumpers and baseball tees run a little on the big size so we do suggest going down a size.  If you are unsure just send us an email - we love to help!

TANKS: These are UNISEX!! So please check the measurements!

XS: Width 44cm x Length 69cm

S: Width 48cm x Length 72cm

M: Width 51cm x Length 75cm

L: Width 54cm x Length 78cm

XL: Width 57cm x Length 81cm

XXL: Width 60cm x Length 84cm

*Width is taken 2.5cm from bottom of armhole 

 

CROPPED TEES: These are a WOMEN'S FIT - please check the measurements!

XS: Width 47.5cm x Length 44cm

S: Width 50cm x Length 45cm

M: Width 52.5cm x Length 46.5cm

L: Width 55cm x Length 47.5cm

XL: Width 57.5cm x Length 48.5cm

 

T-SHIRT DRESS: These are a WOMEN'S FIT - please check the measurements!

XS: Width 43cm x Length 83.5cm

S: Width 45.5cm x Length 86cm

M: Width 48cm x Length 88.5cm

L: Width 50.5cm x Length 91cm

XL: Width 53cm x Length 93.5cm

 

BOY MAMA TEES: These are a MEN's fit and meant to be relaxed - please check the measurements!

S: Width 47cm x Length 71cm

M: Width 52cm x Length 75cm

L: Width 56.5cm x Length 78.5cm

XL: Width 61cm x Length 82cm

XXL: Width 64cm x Length 83.5cm

3XL: Width 68cm x Length 85cm

4XL: Width 75cm x Length 87cm

5XL: Width 80cm x Length 89cm

*Width is taken 2.5cm from bottom of armhole 

 

KIDS TEES: These are UNISEX sizes - please check the measurements!

2: Width 31cm x Length 42cm

4: Width 34cm x Length 46cm

6: Width 37cm x Length 50cm

8: Width 39.5cm x Length 54cm

10: Width 42cm x Length 58cm

12: Width 44.5cm x Length 62cm

14: Width 47cm x Length 66cm

 

KIDS STONEWASH TEES/TANKS: These are UNISEX sizes - please check the measurements!

1: Width 27.5cm x Length 39.5cm

2: Width 29cm x Length 41cm

3: Width 30.5cm x Length 42.5cm

4: Width 32cm x Length 44cm

5: Width 33.5cm x Length 45.5cm

 

BABY STONEWASH ONESIES: These are UNISEX sizes - please check the measurements!

3-6M: Width 22cm x Length 39cm

6-12m: Width 23cm x Length 43cm

12-18M: Width 24cm x Length 46cm

 

JUMPERS: These are also UNISEX and are quite long- please check the measurements!

XS: Width 49cm x Length 71cm

S: Width 52cm x Length 73.5cm

M: Width 55cm x Length 76cm

L: Width 58cm x Length 78.5cm

XL: Width 61cm x Length 81cm

XXL: Width 62.5cm x Length 83.5cm

*Width is taken 2.5cm from bottom of armhole 

 

Hoodie- These are also UNISEX and are quite long- please check the measurements!

XS: Width 49cm x Length 69.5cm

S: Width 52cm x Length 72cm

M: Width 55cm x Length 74.5cm

L: Width 58cm x Length 77cm

XL: Width 61cm x Length 79.5cm

XXL: Width 64cm x Length 82cm

3XL: Width 67cm x Length 84.5cm

*Width is taken 2.5cm from bottom of armhole 

 

Zip Up Hoodie- These are also UNISEX and are quite long- please check the measurements!

XS: Width 48cm x Length 68.5cm

S: Width 51cm x Length 71cm

M: Width 54cm x Length 73.5cm

L: Width 57cm x Length 76cm

XL: Width 60cm x Length 78.5cm

XXL: Width 63m x Length 81cm

3XL: Width 66cm x Length 83.5cm

*Width is taken 2.5cm from bottom of armhole 

 

 

T-SHIRT: This is a WOMEN'S FIT - please check the measurements!

XS: Width 45.5cm x Length 63.5cm

S: Width 48cm x Length 64.5cm

M: Width 50.5cm x Length 65.5cm

L: Width 53cm x Length 66.5cm

XL: Width 55.5cm x Length 67.5cm

XXL: Width 58cm x Length 68.5cm

*Width is taken 2.5cm fro7m bottom of armhole 

 

Stronger Together V-Neck Tee: These are a WOMEN'S FIT - please check the measurements!

XS: Width 43cm x Length 68cm

S: Width 45.5cm x Length 70cm

M: Width 48cm x Length 72cm

L: Width 50.5cm x Length 74cm

XL: Width 53cm x Length 76cm

*Width is taken 2.5cm from bottom of armhole 

 

 

Baseball Tee: This is a UNISEX FIT - please check the measurements!

XS: Width 45.5cm x Length 72cm

S: Width 48.5cm x Length 75cm

M: Width 52.5cm x Length 78cm

L: Width 56.5cm x Length 81cm

XL: Width 60.5cm x Length 84cm

XXL: Width 64.5cm x Length 85cm

*Width is taken 2.5cm from bottom of armhole 

 

 

KIDS TEES: These are UNISEX sizes - please check the measurements!

2: Width 31cm x Length 42cm

4: Width 34cm x Length 46cm

6: Width 37cm x Length 50cm

8: Width 39.5cm x Length 54cm

10: Width 42cm x Length 58cm

12: Width 44.5cm x Length 62cm

14: Width 47cm x Length 66cm

KIDS JUMPERS: These are UNISEX sizes - please check the measurements!

2: Width 32cm x Length 42cm

4: Width 35cm x Length 46cm

6: Width 38cm x Length 50cm

8: Width 41cm x Length 54cm

10: Width 44cm x Length 58cm

12: Width 47cm x Length 62cm

 

 

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